I actually wrote out this week's blog post on Sunday morning, pleased with myself that I was ahead of schedule and that I was bringing the whole of my long series on working through "The Artist's Way" to a satisfying conclusion.
Week 12 is all about "Recovering a Sense of Faith"; learning to really believe in yourself as a creative being and to work toward the end of self sabotage.
My oracle card for the week, "The Hyacinth", seemed to fit into the theme beautifully.
I've talked about my childhood experiences in which I integrated the belief that I wasn't a creative being into my earliest self. The things we're taught as childhood become integral parts of our core self. Shaking off that programming has required a lot of self work and a lot of breaking patterns and working through old traumas.
Imagination can be a beautiful gift and I've spent years learning to believe that I can tap into that imagination. I've struggled to coax out my Inner Artist Child and give her some confidence in herself.
My original blog post encouraged touching base with that Inner Artist Child this week and maybe treating them to a trip to the toy store. What was your favorite toy as a child? What did you want to play with constantly? Buy yourself one.
I was thinking bouncy ball. I used to love them. I loved energy and the playful chaos.
I also advocated taking yourself out for a celebratory dinner. You've completed a 12 week program. You've earned a reward for finding and connecting with your creativity.
Then last night happened and I felt compelled to rewrite the entire blog post and share my experiences.
I don't have a great track record with psychics or clairvoyants. A few years ago I got a psychic Tarot reading and she kept telling me that she saw a male figure with me, a ghost or angel, that was standing over my shoulder and guiding my paintbrush when I created art (I know I'm not that kind of artist but...)
She insisted that it had to be a male figure from my past, a older, nurturing or supportive figure from my life that had passed over; someone who had been an artist. I assured her that there has never been a truly supportive male figure in my life. The men in my life: grandfathers, uncles, boyfriends, have never been particularly supportive. In fact, the men in my life tended to grind me down: undermining me and my confidence and gas lighting me at every opportunity. Also, there are no artists in my family line, except for a great grandfather that was a composer but definitely no painters.
She wouldn't let it go, insisting that there was such a ghost artist looking over my shoulder, guiding my artwork and shadowing me every step of the way.
One, creepy. Two, some random ghost male artist is taking away my agency and being my "creative" force. NO. NO, and NO.
I earned my creativity. I have worked and clawed my way through childhood programming and trauma to earn this creativity and you want to take it all away from me and credit a ghost, a male ghost? NO. NO. NO.
I sort of resolved to avoid psychics at that point. I did have a Tarot reading from the reader at the Louisiana Renaissance Festival back in 2019. She was amazing. I don't know if she was just a spectacular reader of character or she was getting something from the cards that I couldn't see, but she read me cold; saw through every bit of bullshit that I project and read me with beautiful clarity.
I came away from that being more open again to that kind of experience so last week a clairvoyant was advertising her services in a Facebook group at half price. I know. Red flags, but I threw my hat in the ring and booked a session.
What I didn't know was that my partner told the clairvoyant who I was in relation to him when he booked his session so she would already be making connections in her mind. I wouldn't have booked a reading if I knew she was already building something about me ahead of time, but I didn't know so I booked the session.
The clairvoyant did a very positive reading for my partner. Apparently, he's an old soul and was a powerful magician in a previous life.
Sounds cool, I admitted and was hoping for something even half as interesting when I got my own reading done.
I space the appointment time and logged into the session ten minutes late which is completely on me, but she opens the sessions by referencing my partner. I realized then that the whole experience was potentially tainted. She's already labelling me in her head as the scatterbrained partner of a powerful magician.
As we move into the reading, she tells me I'm a sort of newbie soul. That's fair. We can't all be old souls, but she's only getting one message for me from my past lives: an image of me as a female figure digging in the dirt and crying because she's lost something important. She keeps repeating: "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
I get it. I was late for our appointment.
We move into the present. She tells me that she keeps seeing a growling wolf which is blocking her attempts to read some things about me. Apparently, I need the protection, but a wolf?
I've interacted with a number of spirit animals and guides in dreams and on shamanic journeys: rabbits, ravens, occasionally a bear, and once, a snow leopard. Never, a wolf. I am hating this whole: delicate flower who needs protection vibe, but we keep going.
She says that she keeps seeing some unborn baby spirits tied to me and she can see that I have issues in my solar plexus: infertility perhaps? She sees tissue hearts melting and me crying (why do I have to be crying all the time?), but now she starts weaving my partner into my reading. She sees him enfolding and protecting me and comforting me.
Let me just note that I have four children. Infertility, fortunately, has not been a struggle for me and when my current partner and I met, neither of us wanted any more children so nothing in this reading is resonating.
My partner also told me that she hadn't brought me into his reading at all but he is bleeding all over mine.
I've feeling a little nonplussed. My only important past life is me being a sobbing wreck and my current reality is apparently more of the same.
I'm delicate. I'm fragile. I'm an empty vessel, but thankfully I've got that powerful male magician to protect me. Fine. Whatever. We keep going.
We're moving into the spirit layers. Apparently my soul is super bright which seems like it would be a good thing but she tells me I can't bear the weigh of it, but look, there's my powerful magician partner who is here to hold it up for me.
How angry was she that I was ten minutes late for the appointment? Damn. Apparently, I am just a mess of a soul. She tells me also that I possess little faith in Western medicine (I don't care for big pharma but I am all about vaccines and science). Also, my throat chakra is blocked with a lot of purple taffy so I'm not able to effectively express myself.
She asks me if I have any questions and I'm definitely NO and we close out the session.
I don't know how much of my reading was colored by her reading of my partner, but it was a big mess for me. None of it resonated. If past lives were a thing, maybe I was a crying sobbing wreck rolling around in the mud. I really couldn't say. Sort of sucks but I can't really offer any contradicting evidence so it what it is.
I do know her present reading of my health was way off, but I found the reiteration of my helplessness and my fragility very problematic. In her reading, I was nothing without my partner to support me and protect me.
I'm going to say NO. NO. NO.
I worked very hard to get where I am. I'm spent years working through trauma; integrating my shadow self; breaking the unhealthy patterns that I learned my childhood. I worked to rediscover myself as a creative. I struggled to embrace my new path as an artist; as a self employed, self supporting artist.
No creepy ghosts and no powerful magicians will take that away from me. Spin your destructive narratives somewhere else.
It will probably be a very long time before I am willing to consult with a psychic or a clairvoyant again. I don't need to pay people to tear me down. Life does a pretty good job of doing that already. I hate that I paid people to tell me all my creativity is owed either to a mysterious ghost or to my partner.
I think I deserve a little credit for what I've accomplished and the work I've done I'm self and on my artwork.
So, my takeaway is that I don't resonate well with psychics. I shouldn't be looking for validation of self from self proclaimed experts. I definitely shouldn't be paying people to tear me down.
I can carry the weight of my own soul. I chose wisely in my partner this time around. He's supportive and nurturing and everything that a partner should be. I love having a partner and family and tribe that are there for me and I love having supportive people in my life, but I'm not a delicate flower. I'm not a sobbing wreck.
We have weathered storms. We've survived fires. We've spent long nights wrestling with our demons and emerged intact on the other side.
We are strong and we are powerful. We don't need anyone to bear our burdens although we do appreciate when help if offered.
I believe in you. I believe in me and I believe that we don't need psychics to tell us that we're ok. We're creative beings and we can and will express ourselves whenever and wherever we want.