I've made a point of saying that I want to live my life with greater transparency and greater integrity. I want to open the windows and doors of my psyche and let the light shine on all the truths I've kept hidden out of fear or shame.
My life and work is such that it's become more and more possible for me to feel like I don't need to pretend anymore. The support system I've been building up accepts me as the flawed, struggling, evolving person that I am.
I've tried to fill my life with people on their own journeys of self-discovery; that are working, every day, to be better, more true versions of who they really are. I admire who they are. I love that they do not judge because they know what it is to struggle and they deeply care about who they are.
They don't accept surface truths. They grow daily in beautiful ways. They are who I want to be.
I'm not there yet.
I support myself as a working artist so I have the luxury of not having to appeal to everyone. I don't have to produce a product that everyone is going to love. I have niche appeal and I like that. My work isn't for everyone; just as I am not for everyone.
And, yet..., yet..., some days I still put on a mask. I still have to play a role that I don't want to play. Other people have the power and if I want to play on their playground, I have to compromise and play by their rules. I play pretend.
I don't like it. I don't want to, but I do it.
I still dream of a world of perfect transparency and truth, but no journey worth taking can be free of obstacles. Chose carefully that hill.
The lines of God are often crooked, but I hope that I can find my way, without forgetting who I am and who I want to be.