The Summer of My Discontent
I like to think that I look out on the world with the same love and compassion that I am learning to give to myself, but I've woken up for the past few days in an unusually foul and unpleasant mood that persisted throughout the day.
I couldn't understand where the free-floating anger was coming from. I'm in a good place in my life. I don't have any long or demanding festivals for several months. I successfully wrapped up my Kickstarter campaign. My Art Reception seemed like a success. Everything would seem to be going my way. Why then am I feeling this steady level of irritation?
As the days passed and my irritation seemed only to increase, I came to realize precisely why I felt that way. I was allowing old resentments and hurt feelings to linger. One particular event was coming up where I would need to interact with people that had brought pain into my life and I realized that I'd been holding onto my toxic feelings and I was now allowing those feelings of hurt to fester into anger and to cloud my daily life.
I sat with those feelings. I realized that I'd become that squirrel with its hoard of painful memories. I wasn't hurting the people that hurt me. I imagine that they are completely oblivious to the pain that they'd caused. The hurt, I believe, wasn't deliberate, but it had hurt me all the same.
The only person truly suffering is me and I am bringing that suffering to myself. Time to start pushing those hoard nuts of anger out of my mind and out of my life.
I don't need to interact with toxic people. I don't need to allow that toxicity to have a permanent place in my life. I can maintain my distance. I can offer the classic gray rock of non-reaction and move through these difficult events, knowing that I will find peace on the other side.
I am releasing all my hurt and all that festering anger back into the world, cleansing my soul as I do so. I am giving myself the gift of self-love and forgiveness.
I am working at establishing my boundaries and controlling the narrative moving forward. I have always been worthy of love and respect even though I doubted that and myself in the past.
Love yourself. Move on. Let the hoarded pain float away into the endless expanse of the Universe. You were always worthy of all the good things. You were always enough.
I love you and I believe in you.