In the Quiet at the End of the World, there are moments in which I feel more smothered than serene. Tower time brought an end to our normal and we are sifting through the pieces and trying to fit them all back together.
We are moving slowly toward an uncertain future as everybody responds to the trauma in different ways (some more productively than others). I worry. I'm currently underemployed as there aren't a lot of calls for a festival artist in an era with no festivals. My partner has been called back to an enclosed office. I worry about the possibility of exposure and the ramifications for my two younger children.
I know I should be grateful. My ginger son and his fiancee survived an infection of the Corona. They are slowly recovering. I'm grateful that they made it through although I am angry that they were forced to work in a dangerous situation because they were considered "essential" workers. Even now, the definition of what is essential is broadening. The fall out of this is going to be bad, very bad.
I can't control what is happening. I can't control the irrational response of people who believe that their ability to buy knickknacks is more important than human lives. I cannot control that.
I will try to focus on what is good. I have healthy children (even though one is in the recovery process). I have hope that I will be able to return to work even if it's a year in the future. I have art projects to keep me busy until then. I have a stable place to live and a supportive partner. I have much to be grateful for.
I will weave that gratitude around me and wear it as armor in the days and weeks and months ahead. We have each other. We will make this work. We have to.
I will try to start the day remembering how much I have to be grateful for as I move into the uncertain days ahead, hoping that my fears are groundless. Gratitude can be its own type of shield in a crumbling world.
"Weave a circle round you thrice and close your eyes with holy dread for she on honey dew hath fed and drunk the milk of paradise" - William Blake
Wishing you good vibes and a better week. I love you all, more than you can ever know.