Someone posed the question to me: are you the hunter or the hunted? The chased or the chaser?
Why does someone always have to be prey?
Why do relationships have to be a struggle about power?
With that thought in mind, I wandered into a dream, hunting down demons with Sam and Dean Winchester.
We found and destroyed a demon, but the demon left behind a slew of infected female victims. None of them showed any sign of infection, but in time, maybe in hours, maybe in weeks, they would awaken, transformed into demons like the one we'd just destroyed.
I argued that we had some time. We could possibly find a cure and save all these innocent victims. We had time.
Sam and Dean exchanged looks and responded that it would be better, cleaner, kinder to kill them now, before they became something dangerous and evil.
I argued back, not wanting to give up hope.
Of course, I woke at this point so I don't know if we saved them or if the Winchesters destroyed them. I hope I convinced them to at least try.
I think my takeaway is that we are all infected with some unpleasantness, some trauma that leaves us feeling broken or damaged.
We want someone to save us or fix us. We struggle with the need for power or to be in control.
Maybe that's why I woke when I did. I don't know how to fix this. I don't know how to not feel insecure sometimes, to want to hold on so tight that it's suffocating. I don't know how to cure the impulse to burn it all down when I feel like the damage is beyond fixing. I just don't know.
I can want to do better. I can want to be better, and maybe that's the real lesson.
I can try to walk away from the game. I can refuse to play at being hunter or prey. I can try for transparency in my relationships.
Yes, I am damaged, but that doesn't mean that I'm not still worthwhile. My soul is still as beautiful and fragile as ever. It deserves a chance.
Don't come charging in, hunter style, and destroy that.